My 2025 Commencement Address at Yeshiva University in NYC

[NYC, 11/4/17]

Thank you very much, my fellow Jews! On this great day, you get to wear a big hat! Congratulations!

Unlike most of you, I wasn’t born Jewish, but like Madonna, I saw the light. It’s never too late to betray humanity. Outdoing Elon Musk, I’m not an “aspirational Jew.” I’m one of you!

Flying into JFK, I wasn’t sure if ICE would snag my sorry ass and send me to El Salvador. Maybe they’ll arrest me after this, but fuck it, let me map out the world you’re about to enter.

When you were just freshmen, Jewjabs killed and maimed. Covid lockdowns destroyed tiny businesses and broke up families. Worse, it made those born after the internet even more socially isolated. That’s why most of you look so retarded. You were forced to live further online.