Sam's New Normal Vocabulary

[Orlando, 12/26/11]

Twelve years ago, I was in Jazzy Dog Cafe in Orlando. Among its signs on the walls, there was, “I’M HAVING A NICE DAY… DON’T SCREW IT UP!” Another showed a hand pointing to a hand grenade, with number one on a tag attached to its pull ring. Its message, “COMPLAINT DEPT. PLEASE TAKE A NUMBER.”

Over the counter dangled this amusing warning, “THERE WILL BE A $5 Charge for Whining.”

American mom and pops are often decorated with these whimsical expressions. Though ready-made and store-bought, they still convey the proprietor’s individuality. Bumper stickers and T-shirts do the same.

Into Jazzy Dog walked a man in his mid 30’s. After 30 seconds to anchor himself, he then composed in a French accent, “Sir, how much whining do I get for five dollars?”

If anything, it was too clearly enunciated, but with the stress on ning instead of whin[e].

Maybe he thought whining was a fish, beverage or desert? Faced with the foreign, you must often guess. I don’t remember what the cranky owner said, but he didn’t crack up.

I have a buddy, Jay Johnston, who has a knack for inventing words, and not, like Shakespeare, to introduce new concepts or better define old ones, but because he can’t remember some common noun or adjective. Miraculously, Jay has been earning his cañada as an English teacher in Zaragoza, Spain. On a visit to Philly, Jay’s two teenaged sons told me their dad did the same with Spanish. A new español is being born.

Many neologisms attributed to Shakespeare may have been common during his time. He was just the first to write them down. This is even the case with more recent writers. Lewis Carrol coined “chortle” in 1871, but did Dickens come up with “rampage”? There are those who even doubt Walter Scott’s wonderful invention of “freelance.”

None of these barely-read scribes can compare to Uncle Sam, though, for verbal creativity. Like an indefatigable stud, Shmuel constantly pumps us, whether we like or not, with astounding concoctions.

The homeless is now the “unhoused” because, I’m guessing, the old word conjures up images of destitution and squalor, of young people driven insane after weeks or even years on the streets, of old people freezing on sidewalks. Being new, unhoused hasn’t had time to be muddied or piss splattered, but this delusion can only last a second or two. Meaning the same, it’s just as wretched as “homeless.” 

[Philadelphia, 7/21/11]

Sam has rechristened “slave” as “enslaved person.” So clunky, the extra syllables, but this is done, I assume, to stress that a person has been enslaved, but “slave” already means that! So patronizing, if not contemptuous, Sam’s attitude towards Americans. He must think they’re retards.

Media saturated yesmen are enslaved persons. Booster me some more, massa! I can never get enough of your intimate attention!

An American girl is now taught a woman isn’t just like her mom, someone who gave birth to her and her kid brother. A woman is someone with a vagina, created for birthing, since a baby can’t be squirted from a penis, but no, Sam insists a woman is anyone who thinks he’s a woman, including the girl’s dad or grandpa. Her brother, too, can become a girl, so his cute wee wee’s days are numbered. Just like that, it can be loped off, a neat procedure that will make him much happier.

In her locker room, there’s a new girl with a huge thing between her legs. It must weigh a ton. Sometimes, it even stands up a little. Like all the others, she must pretend there’s nothing unusual about this new girl, even as that thing pulses, twerks or does a gymnastic floor exercise. Sadly, her vagina can’t do any of that. It’s time to transition.

To start, she must pee standing up, so with her own money, she’s already ordered a shewee. If it’s functional and empowering, she’ll get a bunch, of all different colors, a proper rainbow.

Any invention comes with a new word or phrase. Not long ago, Sam gave the world “traffic light,” “microwave oven,” “mobile phone” and “video game,” etc. Now, Sam hands our shewees.

As Sam remakes your world, he’ll make sure you acquire an entirely new vocabulary. Granted, not all these words are new or invented by Sam, but each will have new shade, repercussion and insinuation. If you haven’t had a coincidental heart attack or stroke yet, it’s a thrilling moment to be alive.

With dread, resignation and spike proteins coursing through you, you’ll enter a universe of ram and raids, smash and grabs, flash robs, street takeovers, juggings, porch pirates, lockdowns, quarantines, social distancing, social immersion, social credit, doxophobia, blacklists, deplatforming, trigger warnings, gaslighting, permacrisis, nomophobia and metaverse, etc.

One word you won’t find in any English dictionary is Jewjab, for no sane person would think of labeling such a safe and effective vaccine that was so graciously endorsed by Klaus Schwab, Bill Gates, Anthony Fauci, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, Justin Trudeau, Jacinda Adern, Rochelle Wallensky, Mandy Cohen, Amy Goodman, Noam Chomsky, Howard Stern, Big Bird, Ron Unz and every newspaper and television station in America. How could the entire US media be wrong?

On Israel’s right to exist, Iraq, Iran, 9/11, Bin Laden’s “assassination,” LGBTIQA+ and Putin’s evilness, they have also agreed completely. That should tell you everything.

Still stuck inside, mostly, in Ubon Ratchathani, I send you this musing on language. My right foot is wrapped in two pairs of briefs, wet with water, an improvised bandage. Eating healthier and much less has improved my skin, but very slowly.

Like everything in this world, my body has its rules, which I must discover, if only intuitively. When it puts its hand on my neck and growls that I must eat more avocado, I obey.

One’s body is one’s first and last teacher. Mock, abuse or disfigure it at one’s peril.

[$5.60 meal at Grow Up in Ubon Ratchathani on 6/29/23]

[Busan, South Korea on 5/17/20]