Suicide by a Thousand Cuts
[Vung Tau, 4/24/25]
In Tacitus’ Germania, there’s this regrettable mention of the most annoying man bun:
One mark of the race is to comb the hair back over the side of the head and tie it low in a knot behind: this distinguishes the Suebi from other Germans, and the free-born of the Suebi from the slave […] Among the Suebi, even till the hair is grey, the rough locks are twisted backward, and often knotted on the very crown: the chieftains wear theirs somewhat more ornamentally […]
A 2022 film on Đinh Bộ Lĩnh (924-979) shows this awesome king with a slanderous if not actionable man bun! Since there’s no contemporary portrait, we don’t know if he was a midget or seven-feet-tall, well muscled or softer than Donald Trump. Why stick this bitchin’ warrior with a Soho or Castro District man bun?!
Sumos call theirs chonmage, but what do you expect from male hippos with titties?
OK, so the man bun has a very long history spanning East and West, but what triggered this (justifiable) diatribe, and I’m just getting started, was my running into three man buns this week in Vung Tau. All were on beta apes inspired by Western metrosexuals. Not gifted with height or heft, the Vietnamese male is still sturdy or tough enough when forced to grapple with the elements, at sea or on land. The last thing he needs, though, is to become overly groomed and mirror conscious while staring nonstop at a tiny screen under his precious man bun. At One Coffee, this sad kid also had his pinky nail extra long, a Chinese affectation to show he did no labor. Forget parfait breath throwing a punch.
With the temperature around 90, he wore an American styled varsity letterman jacket.