Lying Whores

[Pattaya, 1/21/23]

As I was saying, Malaparte praises his Pratesi for speaking their minds. They would shout in public what others only dare to whisper in private. Other Italians, Malaparte damningly claims, think as they speak. “Altri italiani pensano come parlano.” Sounds familiar? People believe their own lies. A lifetime of sociable, devious and sinister lies become not just your entire reality, but philosophy or religion.

According to the writer, Tuscans in general can see through pomposity, performative emotions or manipulative language. If there’s just one Tuscan among the assembled troops, the general must cancel his bullshit. Any gathering will be ruined if there’s someone who can see through the nonsense. Ideally, each must be masked and kept outside others’ farting range.

You really can’t take Curzio anywhere, especially in 2024. “Though all Italians are smart, Tuscans have for long been smarter than all other Italians. This is something everyone knows, but few want to admit.”

We’re all the same, Malaparte! So what if you can claim Giotto, da Vinci, Michelangelo, Machiavelli, Dante, Boccaccio and Brunelleschi, etc. Though one Florentine block may have more brain cells than the rest of the earth, it’s just a random, freakish accident.

Plus, no one speaks his mind all the time, paisan! In actions alone, we’re all Snookies by the Jersey Shore. We dress up or down, cultivate an elaborate set of poses, flippantly or smugly assume some wretched vocabulary, then perform. We’re giddy as stinking words stream from our mouths. Those needing to smooth out or jazz up their schtick can order Say it Like Obama and Win! It’s available in Chinese and German, but not French. Cheesed up frogs have leapt to Niska, Booba and Ninho. The 40 immortels of the Académie Française are risible zombies. When will they blow up the Institut de France?

Simone Weil, “There is a class of people in this world who have fallen into the lowest degree of humiliation, far below beggary, and who are deprived not only of all social consideration but also, in everybody’s opinion, of the specific human dignity, reason itself—and these are the only people who, in fact, are able to tell the truth. All the others lie.”

Truth tellers, then, are those who have zero social standing, deemed insane and can’t be crapped on further. By contrast, the best bullshitters are universally praised, given high posts or tenureship at universities, and judged most rational.

A whore will smile, suck and, well, make love to the most repulsive client with the worst breath. Though each of her acts is a lie, nothing beats fornicating with revulsion while moaning and smiling. They’re professionals.

If nearly everyone lies and dissimulates, it should be easy to spot the same tricks performed by everybody else, but there must be a lying whores’ etiquette. That’s how social order is maintained. Even deaf mutes lie in peace.

Like most Westerners, Tuscans have become pale, quaking ghosts, with Prato nearly a Chinese city. Go there if you don’t believe me. As Jewjerked Westerners accuse each other of being “conspiracy theorists,” Jews and Chinese calmly conspire. History is a bloody litany of conspiracies. Americans don’t know their own history, much less Chinese, so none of them has heard of Goujian, but this shit eating schemer has much to teach us.

As king of Yue, Goujian was defeated by Wu, so had to become, with his wife, an abject slave to Fuchai, the Wu king. Hearing that Fuchai was sick, Goujian begged for an audience. At the palace’s entrance, Goujian saw Chief Chancellor Bo Pi exiting with the king’s chamber pot. That’s like Condoleeza Rice carrying George Bush’s shit and piss. To let that sink in, I will pause for a sip of black coffee.

“Hold on,” Goujian said, “if you allow me to taste his Majesty’s shit, I will know if he will survive this illness.” To the king, he explained, “Your excrement is bitter and sour, so aligns with the vital force of spring and summer. You will be fine.” After recovering as predicted, Fuchai pardoned Goujian, though the latter had killed Fuchai’s father. For three years, Goujian and his wife had performed the dirtiest tasks without complaints, so they must have changed. Fuchai was touched and impressed by how abruptly they had embraced their humiliation. Before allowing his eternal enemy to go home, the Wu king even staged a huge banquet in his honor. It took 17 years, but Goujian finally defeated Fuchai. Refused any peaceful settlement, Fuchai had to kill himself.

From this, Chinese learn you must do whatever is needed to escape an impossible situation. One moment of shit eating is worth it. Beats shoveling horseshit while dwelling in a cold stone hut forever. Goujian had to perform outrageous lies. Behaving accordingly and bravely, he fooled Fuchai. With perseverance, he finally destroyed the gullible sap.

It’s always good to start each day with riotous laughter. The funniest bit in Jianju He’s account is the claim Goujian had bad breath, at least temporarily. “口臭,” the ancient historian wrote. If you think your kou chou is evil, you haven’t lived. Funnier than the Chinese are those who lie only to destroy themselves. Willfully blind to conspiracies, they merely eat and talk shit.

According to Simone Weil, Goujian had to be a truth teller. He did so with his actions. Staring at the bottom, Goujian was decisive. Deepest truths are “profound.”

Though Goujian ate shit to save himself, Weil, so radical and uncompromising, would probably claim shit eating is salvation enough. The only way into truth, she writes, “is through one’s own annihilation; through dwelling a long time in a state of extreme and total humiliation.” Weil never chilled. Refusing to eat, she died at 34. Kafka’s hunger artist ain’t got shit on Simone.

A Vietnamese word for whore, điếm, also means deception or dishonesty. It’s shameful and disgusting. The higher quotient of lying whoredom you have, the more grief, anger and stench you must endure. Gloating whores in high places constitutes hell.

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